It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize