Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
