she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
