my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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