So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
