My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
