please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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