thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
