my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
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