Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
