there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
