I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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