Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm like, not good at living.
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