Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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