I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
