Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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