WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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