I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
