Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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