I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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