If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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