If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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