I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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