meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I need to stop coming to work sober
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Randomize
