My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
