Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
