I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
