I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
