my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
