you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
