This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
