I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
