I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
