im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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