Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
