I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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