ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
