why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
