I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
