I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
