Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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