his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
even my farts smell like vagina
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
