I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
