I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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