How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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