the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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