i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
