My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
