and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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