we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
