I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize