my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
