just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Holy sore nipples Batman
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize