I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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