im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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