Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
