I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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