I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
