Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
